Success For Managers Tip: How do you escape from a Betari’s Box?

This might sound like something from Dr Who, writes Madeleine Morgan of Growu, but stick with it.

 

Does this situation sound familiar?

You experience something you interpret as negative. Your negative feelings affect someone else and they react negatively towards you so you react negatively towards them…and so it goes on.

Let’s say you’ve rung a friend, partner or family member and had to leave a message to call you back. It was a lovely message but they don’t contact you within the time-frame you expected. So you start to resent them. You think of all the things you’ve done for them and how much effort you put into the relationship. Then you dwell on all the times they’ve let you down. The next time you see them, or they eventually call you back, you behave coldly towards them. Because you are cold towards them, they react coldly to you and the relationship reaches sub-zero and carries on becoming more and more Arctic-like.

Or do you recognise something like this work situation?

Your boss criticises you for missing a deadline. You feel angry because you’ve done your best with what you think is an unreasonable workload. You don’t feel you can criticise your boss. A colleague or team member happens to ask you a question and as you’re in a foul mood you snap at them. They feel angry. They don’t understand why you’re angry with them. They were only asking you a question. So they bark back at you or sulk.  So you yell or become distant with them…and so it goes on…

In both these situations, everyone is trapped in a Betari’s Box or Cycle of Conflict that’s a closed loop, where each person is reacting to the negative behaviour and attitude of the other person in a negative way. Things can only get worse.

The Cycle of Conflict looks something like this:

 (Image removed)

So…when you’re in a negative conflict cycle, how can you escape? Here are 7 ideas:

  1. Resolve to get yourself out of the Cycle of Conflict rather than wait for circumstances or other people to change..take the initiative
  2. Spend some time reflecting on what triggered your negative feelings.
  3. Think about ways you could have avoided your negative reaction. For instance, in the examples above:
    a. Were your expectations of someone returning your message, in your time frame, realistic? b. Could there be a reasonable explanation for why they   didn’t…if you’d taken time to find out? c. If you’d managed your time better or delegated some work would you have avoided missing the deadline and the rebuke?
  4. Apologise to the people who have been affected by your negative attitudes and behaviours and reasure them that you plan to manage your emotions better in future. Agree to ‘press the reset button’ on your relationship and go forward in a positive way.
  5. When you feel triggered into a negative reaction, take time out to get positive again before you interact with others – relaxation techniques and looking for a different perspective can help, for instance.
  6. Remember that although no one can make us feel anything and we can’t make them feel anything, very few people understand how to maintain a positive reaction when others are being negative… so lead the positive way!
  7. The Betari’s Box effect can work positively too. When we’re feeling motivated and positive, we smile, we praise our team, and we’re supportive and understanding with our family and friends. They feel good and behave positively towards us. Lead your family, friends, colleagues and clients the positive way.

Dates for your Diary

20 November 2014: Cool Solutions to Hot HR Topics Seminar Series
Are you an HR professional or a manager or business owner with HR responsibilities? Dealing with HR can be a minefield. However, help is at hand. Hoopla HR and GrowU Coaching and Training are collaborating to make dealing with people issues easier.
Click on this link or phone Madeleine at 01223 426392 for more details.

25 November 2014: Business Network International Cambridge Visitors’ Day
Are you a business owner? Could you handle more business? If your answer is yes, join us on Tuesday 25 November. There will be over a 100 business owners there looking for someone in your profession to pass referrals to. Email madeleine@growu.co.uk for more details or phone 01223 426392 www.BNISuffolkandCambridge.co.uk
12 February 2015: The Successful Managers’ Toolkit Workshop
It’s tough being a team leader, manager or supervisor. During this one-day Successful Managers’ Toolkit workshop, you’ll discover how to overcome the challenges and make your role much easier and rewarding to perform. Click on the link or email madeleine@growu.co.uk for more details.

________________________________________________



Read more

Looking for something specific?