Hate is a very intense word.
As the great Nelson Mandela is reputed to have said:
- Hatred is like drinking poison and then waiting for it to kill your enemies.
I think that’s wise, so I do my best never to hate anyone.
But I do allow myself contempt and disdain sometimes.
Which brings me to a story about one such occasion.
It goes back a few years and concerns someone I had the misfortune to work with.
They were far from an impressive manager; weak, ineffectual and unpleasant.
That was bad enough, but then they achieved the impressive feat of sinking even lower in my estimation.
They had some difficult news to pass on to me, and how did they do that?
Did they ask me to meet, so we could discuss it face-to-face?
Phone me? Arrange a video call?
No. None of the above.
They put it in an email.
Needless to say, I was far from impressed.
More on that in a minute, because the story has an interesting ending.
But first, more importantly, to the point of this blog, which is talking about a tricky area of communication:
How to break bad news.
I understand the temptation of sending an email.
It saves you that horrible discomfort of seeing and hearing the hurt, upset, or disappointment of the person.
But that’s only viewing the situation from your perspective, and not being what you need to be at such a time:
- A fellow human.
Bad news should always be communicated in person, if possible.
That’s the principle which the emergency services adopt when someone suffers an accident…
And an officer has the dreadful task of knocking on the door of the family home.
Humanity simply demands a face-to-face encounter.
That, of course, is by far the most distressing end of the scale.
But whatever form of bad news you have to bring, the in-person principle remains critical.
If you can’t get to that situation, then at least a call is required.
People deserve the right to question, discuss, explore, sometimes simply unload.
That might not be easy for you, but it’s right nonetheless.
I had difficult news to break to someone I like very much this week.
I could have put it in an email. To be honest, I felt the temptation.
But I resisted it.
I told them in a video call, which was the best we could do in terms of face-to-face communication.
And although it was a difficult conversation…
And it squeezed my heart, I can promise you…
They got in touch with me later to say they appreciated my time, honesty, professionalism, courage and kindness in the way I had handled the matter.
We remain on speaking terms, with a reasonable relationship intact.
It won't be easy for a while - that's life - but I can see us working together again in the future.
Which is very much unlike the position with the "manager" I mentioned earlier.
I would never work with them again.
And, interestingly, that was a position which many others also quickly came to adopt.
It wasn't long after our difference of opinion that the person in question disappeared from the organisation in unfortunate circumstances.
A moral lies behind that story, several perhaps.
But finally for this blog, and far more importantly...
I still don’t feel good about what I had to do this week; causing disappointment and deflation.
But I know I would be feeling a whole lot worse - as would they - if... if...
I hadn’t done the right thing and broken the difficult news as humanely as possible, in a conversation.
